The Scientific Simpleton

(J.F. McArdle, Frank Amos, and Vincent Davies)

A scientific simpleton who struggled fame to gain
Was driven nearly crazy from invention on the brain,
He dabbled in mechanics, electricity, of course,
And mastered all the mysteries of centrifugal force;
He took out patents every day, he'd always something new,
He vowed that he before he died some clever things would do,
With his inventions (if they'd but succeeded), you would say,
He would have made the mighty world roll round the other way.

Invention was his ruin, if you'll listen unto me,
I'll shew this scientific simpleton's simplicitee,
The catalogue is categorical as you can see,
Of this inventor's most ingenious inventoree.

He made, to shew what man can do if he will persevere,
An eight-day clock that only wanted winding once a year,
An automatic German band that always played in tune,
A specially constructed gun, with which to shoot the moon;
A lift for raising Capital, worked by electric spark,
A pump for pumping secrets out of those who'd keep them dark,
A triple-barrelled telescope with which a man could see,
With half an eye what sort of day next Wednesday week would be.

Invention was his ruin, if you'll listen unto me,
I'll shew this scientific simpleton's simplicitee,
The catalogue is categorical as you can see,
Of this inventor's most ingenious inventoree.

He made a patent mousetrap next, you'll say he was a flat,
Instead of mice it always caught his favorite tabby cat,
A spirit bottle stopper on the tipplers rather rough,
It stopped them having any more when they had drank enough;
A patent ten-ton nut-cracker that couldn't crack a joke,
Some onion seed, he made, when sown, it came up artichoke,
A patent penknife extra sharp to cut his corns in bed,
So extra sharp and patent it cut off his toe instead.

Invention was his ruin, if you'll listen unto me,
I'll shew this scientific simpleton's simplicitee,
The catalogue is categorical as you can see,
Of this inventor's most ingenious inventoree.

An old umbrella next he made you'll think it very strange,
When left behind you found you'd got a new one in exchange,
And then a patent safety match for striking on the wall,
It was indeed so very safe 'twould not ignite at all;
He made and he invented such a lot of things for pelf,
That finally he made a precious poodle of himself,
He made a patent pill to give you everlasting life,
He took one dose, and now his charming widow is my wife.

Invention was his ruin, if you'll listen unto me,
I'll shew this scientific simpleton's simplicitee,
The catalogue is categorical as you can see,
Of this inventor's most ingenious inventoree.